On career and success:
Keep on working, millions on welfare depend on you!
I didn't climb to the top of the food chain to become a vegetarian!
Excess is never too much in moderation.
Lawyers have feelings too (allegedly).
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.
Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.
Anything not worth doing is not worth doing well.
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
Warning: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
I R S: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
Keep on working, millions on welfare depend on you!
I didn't climb to the top of the food chain to become a vegetarian!
Excess is never too much in moderation.
Lawyers have feelings too (allegedly).
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.
Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.
Anything not worth doing is not worth doing well.
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
Warning: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
I R S: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
On Politics:
Frodo failed. George Bush has the ring.
If you can read this, you're not the president.
The last time politics and religion were mixed, people were burned at the stake.
Vote Democrat — it's easier than working!
Vote Republican — it's easier than thinking!
In America, anyone can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
Sure you can trust the government! Just ask a native American!
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
On Religion:
If God is within, I hope he likes enchiladas!
Jesus saves. He uses double coupons.
Jesus loves you. But I'm his favorite.
The meek shall inherit the earth, after we're through with it.
Jesus loves you! Everybody else thinks you're a jerk.
I found Jesus - he was behind the sofa all the time.
Thank God I'm an atheist.
The more you complain the longer God makes you live.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
If going to church makes you a Christian, does going into a garage make you a car?
If God is within, I hope he likes enchiladas!
Jesus saves. He uses double coupons.
Jesus loves you. But I'm his favorite.
The meek shall inherit the earth, after we're through with it.
Jesus loves you! Everybody else thinks you're a jerk.
I found Jesus - he was behind the sofa all the time.
Thank God I'm an atheist.
The more you complain the longer God makes you live.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
If going to church makes you a Christian, does going into a garage make you a car?
On Science:
The generation of random numbers is too important to leave to chance.
If it ain't broke, take it apart and fix it.
Resistance is futile (if < 1 ohm).
Does anal retentive have a hyphen?
Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
Gravity: It's not just a good idea. It's the law.
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. DON'T DRINK AND DERIVE!
Never believe generalisations.
There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
The generation of random numbers is too important to leave to chance.
If it ain't broke, take it apart and fix it.
Resistance is futile (if < 1 ohm).
Does anal retentive have a hyphen?
Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
Gravity: It's not just a good idea. It's the law.
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. DON'T DRINK AND DERIVE!
Never believe generalisations.
There are 10 types of people in the world. Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
On People:
So many stupid people, and so few asteroids.
Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
The trouble with the gene pool is that there's no lifeguard.
You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
Is it time for your medication or mine?
I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.
First National Bank of Dad; Sorry, closed.
My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips.
Your kid may be an Honor Student, but YOU'RE still an idiot.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Never miss a good opportunity to shut up.
Karaoke bars combine two of the nation's greatest evils — people who shouldn't drink with people who shouldn't sing.
Dyslexics are teople poo.
People like you are the reason people like me need medication.
God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends.
On Philosophy:
I don't think, therefore I am not.
Don't believe everything you think.
What would Gandalf do?
I doubt, therefore I might be.
I fish, therefore I lie.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
On Life:
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!
Wrinkled was not one of the things I wanted to be when I grew up.
Don't make me mad. I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
On the journey of life, I choose the psycho path.
Carpe Diem = Seize the day. Carp In Denim = Fish in pants.
Veni, Vidi, Velcro. I came, I saw, I got stuck.
Visualize Whirled Peas
Practice safe lunch: Use a condiment.
Frankly, Scallop, I don't give a clam.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
Allow me to introduce my selves.
Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye opener.
I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
First things first, but not necessarily in that order.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Out of my mind - back in five minutes.
I need someone real bad. Are you real bad?
Constipation causes people not to give a crap.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Veni, Vedi, Visa: I Came, I Saw, I did a little shopping.
If you're happy and you know it see a shrink.
Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
If it isn't broken, fix it until it is.
On Computers:
An Apple a day keeps Windows away.
Double your drive space. Delete Windows.
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
The box said Windows 2000 or better. So I installed Linux.
Use the best: Linux for servers, Mac for graphics, Windows for Solitaire.
The control key on the keyboard does not work.
There's no place like 127.0.0.1
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0!
On Driving:
Forget world peace; visualize using your turn signal.
If you believe in telepathy, think about honking.
If you can read this, I've lost the trailer!
Stoplights timed for 30 mph are also timed for 60 mph.
Follow that car, Godzilla - and step on it!
Don’t bother honking or flashing your lights, I'm deaf and blind.
(Spotted on a passing motorcycle): If you can read this, my wife fell off!
Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
Honk If you want to see my finger.
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
Driver carries no cash. He's married.
Watch out for the idiot behind me.
Honk if you hate peace and quiet.
On the Environment:
So many cats, so few recipes.
Save the trees, wipe your butt with an owl.
I fought the lawn, and the lawn won.
EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.
On Health & Fitness:
I don't have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.
Rehab is for quitters.
If you are what you eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.
I'm a vegetarian - I eat anything that eats greens.
I said "no" to drugs, but they didn't listen.
I have the body of a god. Buddha.
Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter.
Say "NO" to drugs. That will bring the prices down.
